4 Steps to Motivate Yourself with Self-Compassion

Motivate yourself to do the things you need to do, have to do, must do, but also want to do, and motivate yourself in a way that is loving and kind to yourself via self-compassion. No big girl britches needed. We’re going Commando! Metaphorically.

Here’s a snippet of a healthy self-talk that works!

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Self-compassion is for wusses, right?

No.

Okay, maybe not, but it’s all very well and good to be kind to yourself except it doesn’t do anything. I’ll still be the same lazy sod I’ve always been.

Um, that would also be no.

But surely, if I’m compassionate with myself when I have something that needs done, I’ll let myself off the hook and it’ll never happen? I mean, only last night I needed to clean a mess off the kitchen floor, and it was nine at night; the kids were in bed, and I couldn’t be bothered, and I said to myself. “You’ve had a hard day just to be kind to yourself for a change.” So I left the floor and had a glass of wine instead. The mess was still there this morning, and I slept badly because I knew I had to get up before the children woke and clean up. If I’d just forced myself to clean the floor it would have worked out better.

You’re confusing self-compassion with self-indulgence, which many people do. But they aren’t the same. Self-compassion doesn’t say, “Don’t do anything you don’t want to do, just leave it for another day!”

So what does self-compassion say?

The first thing it says is, “This feels tough.” It notices that cleaning the floor feels like a huge effort, you don’t want to do it. It acknowledges you feel tired, that, in essence, this is a moment of suffering. That’s the first step in having compassion for yourself.

But surely that’s just whining? Surely if I want to get things done, I need to just tell myself to get a grip, pull my socks up and get on with it?

Would you say that to a friend?

Hmm, probably not. They’d probably stop being my friend if I did.

They might! That’s true, and come to think of it, are you your own friend after you speak to yourself that way?

No. I just feel totally fed up with myself and like nothing I do is every right.

And what would it feel if instead you acknowledge that this feels hard, that it is a moment of suffering?

I suppose I’d feel less annoyed at myself.

A little kinder?

I guess so. But I don’t see how that’s going to get the job done. I did tell myself it was hard, and then I decided I might as well not bother. I thought that was being kind, but…

…But in the end, it wasn’t because the mess was there in the morning.

Yes, and I felt even more annoyed at myself.

Yep, that’s the effect self-indulgence has.

It’s almost like even though we think we’re being kind, we’re actually punishing ourselves!

For sure, that’s exactly what we’re doing.

So self-compassion is kind, but it doesn’t let us off the hook?

Sort of. It doesn’t really put us on the hook either. It’s more like it’s there supporting us when we need it most. So the next thing it does is reminds you that everyone feels this way sometimes. You’re not alone. All over the world, there are people just like you, feeling tired and wishing they didn’t have to do this job right now. While that might seem obvious, when things feel hard, we all have a tendency to feel alone. The reminder of our common humanity eases that loneliness. It moves us from self-pity, which makes us feel hopeless and disconnected, into self-compassion, which gives hope and a sense of connection.

Ah, yes. I see what you mean.  It was self-pity that made me decide not to bother, to go have a glass of wine and a couple of cookies. You know I did feel really alone, like I was the only person in the world who had to clean her kitchen floor at nine at night. It would have felt a little easier if I’d had a sense of other people doing the same. So that’s it? Is that all self-compassion is? Saying it’s hard and everyone goes through this sometimes?

Not quite. There’s another step. It’s to support ourselves to get through whatever it is we’re facing. If you’re not faced with some task you need to do, but just feeling low, then you’d say something like, “May I be kind to myself.” That’s what Kristin Neff recommends, and she’s been studying self-compassion for over a decade. But if there’s something I need to do and it feels hard, then at this point, I ask myself a question.

What’s that?

What would it look like, and how would it feel to motivate myself from love and compassion? What would I say to myself?

Goodness, that would feel better. But I have no idea what it would look like, or what I’d say to myself. I don’t know how to love myself.

What would you say to your children if they were struggling to do their homework and you wanted to motivate them kindly?

I’d say something like, “Aw honey, I know how you feel, honestly sometimes I don’t want to do stuff either. But you know you’ll feel better once you’ve done it, and afterwards we can sit down and watch your favourite program or read a story, whichever you’d like better.” Ah, I see now! That doesn’t mean we have to like doing whatever we have to do, but it does mean we can see a point in doing it, that it won’t last forever, and we’d get something good afterwards. I can tell myself those things too instead of saying not to bother and then being annoyed at myself. I can be kind to myself and get stuff done.

Exactly.

So, remind me again of the steps to motivate yourself.

Of course, I’m happy to do that.

1. Notice that it feels tough. You say to yourself something like, “This feels hard.”

2. Remind yourself you aren’t alone.

3. Decide to be kind to yourself, and say what you need to hear. That might be something like, “May I have compassion for myself.”

4. If you have a task to work on and you notice you’re trying to force yourself to do it, try this instead. As yourself, “How can I motivate myself with loving kindness?” Notice what that would look like, what you would say and how it would feel. 

That’s it! It might take a bit of repetition before it becomes second nature but that takes far less effort than it does to berate yourself! And it feels SO much better!

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